A recent whatsapp conversation led me to think about my relationship with ASKING. I think I have generally always been scared to ask for what I want – in dating, business and life in general. Looking at what has been happening in my life recently, I thankfully acknowledge that I have made considerable efforts to change this, and try get comfortable with asking but oh boy, is it hard! And scary!
Scary because when I ask, I know there is a chance of getting a No and I don’t know about you but I don’t deal well with rejection. I’m scared of being rejected. Life has however taught me that the consequences of not asking, may be even worse than the rejection.
My thing is always wanting to maintain peace and in any situation, not wanting to make the other person feel uncomfortable (even when they deserve to) and not wanting to be labeled pushy, needy or desperate so I’d avoid asking tough/uncomfortable questions in a relationship, I’d not ask for more money at work, even being scared to ask my son for what I want him to do.
On this last one, whenever I ask my son to bring me something from another room, there’ll be a voice inside me criticizing me for being lazy. When I scold him for not washing the dishes, the scolding will be followed by me asking him if I’m being unreasonable for expecting him to do that, and in hindsight I realize that this may have to do with me wanting confirmation that it’s okay for me to ask this.
I actually just remembered now that even when someone asks me for my social media rates, I almost always revert to asking “What is your budget” instead of sending my rates because I’m scared of being told I’m expensive… so silly right? Obviously whatever rate I would charge is well thought out and deserved but the self criticism makes me anxious.
I don’t know if any of this has to do with self esteem and believing I’m worthy which is something I struggled with for the longest time. I am however learning to ask and I’ve started asking. Now what is left, is for me to also learn to be unapologetic after asking.
In the whatsapp conversation I referred to, I asked for what I want and then I sent another message apologizing for sounding like I’m putting pressure… when that was exactly what I was doing. Because it’s surely okay to put pressure on getting answers when you aren’t right? Ooh, the strugles ladies!
People tend to prefer suffering later rather than suffering now, and so they opt for the timid route of inaction, accepting future regret to avoid current rejection.
This quote about accepting future regret to avoid current rejection had me thinking about how I’ve often been scared to ask for what I want in relationships. This is often always followed by disappointment, unfair disappointment at that because how can you be disappointed that the person has not done what they did not know you expected them to do?
Which gets me to think about the ex who texted me today to talk about nothing. I really would prefer that we do not talk, but instead of telling him that, I was polite and asked about his family, all because I did not want him to feel bad. The sad thing though is that if he were in my shoes, he’d probably straight up tell me not to contact him. I need to do better… sigh..actually let me go text him and tell him not to contact me again. And I’m going to do even better and not type the next thought that came to my mind, which was to ask you if this is reasonable lol.
Can you confidently ask for what you want?