Still Can’t Explain Whether Still-Born or Miscarriage. I Just Know It Was Painful

Miscarriage
Article by Theo Tshanga. Posted on June 19 2017 at 7:53 am

I always heard stories about it from friends. In fact to be exact about 4 of them had similar experiences in 2016 / early 2017. I could only imagine how they felt as I had never experienced it before.

I’m a mother of 2 boys and it was always my dream to have 3 kids. Of course I would have loved to have a girl in between, Minnie ME! So my husband and I tried for our “last born” and we were blessed to be carrying another boy. Yes! I was to have 3 boys at home. At first I was a bit disappointed however I later embraced what God has given me. I truly fell in love with the idea of having a boys’ only home which meant I would be the only Queen in the house.

On the 15th February 2017 I had gone to Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist at Morningside Medi-Clinic, where they do a full ANOMALY SCAN to check everything about the pregnancy and the baby. I had to wait about 2 months for the appointment. Everything came out clear, meaning everything was normal. There were no abnormalities about the baby and no concerns about my pregnancy. My risk was 1:1331.

So I was happy and content with my pregnancy knowing that everything is fine as confirmed by the Specialist. At this point I was 25 weeks pregnant.

On the 4th of March 2017 on a Saturday afternoon I had come back from my Saturday routine of taking the little ones to swimming classes. While I was resting at home, I noticed a vaginal watering discharge (not smelly) coming out to a point that I needed panty liners and I changed them constantly on the day. Not feeling any pains yet. I contacted my Gynae; his phone was on voice mail. I then contacted a friend of mine who was pregnant to ask if she has experienced anything like this, she told me she has and that her Gynae told her it is normal. I then contacted another friend of mine who is a Pharmacist and googled on the side and she told me if it is not smelly, it is fine. Google also told me that this fluid is normal.

My helper, whom I am very grateful of, encouraged that I should go the hospital and not stay longer at home with something I was not sure of. My husband was away on travel. Luckily my younger sister had come for a visit so I went with her to the hospital. At this point I was feeling some pains but only for short moments and not that intense. I also got hold of my Gynae who also encouraged that I should go to the hospital.

As I walked into the hospital to check myself in an emergency, I remember joking to my sister saying, these people will laugh at me because there’s really nothing wrong with me as I thought the minor pains were probably from the fact that I needed some rest. I was immediately transferred to the Maternity Ward.

I remember I still called my husband and told him that I’m at hospital and that he should not worry, in fact there’s not even a need for him to come back as I still thought nothing was of major concern.

I met a very lovely sister/nurse who took care of me before my Gynae arrived and the first thing they checked were the contractions, so I went in a monitor for about 30 minutes or so. To my surprise I had regular contractions meaning I was in labour. “I’m 25 weeks pregnant, this baby is very tiny and premature labour is a risk” Those were the words running through my head. The nurse assured me that even though they have noticed the contractions, however she was still determined that the baby will not be out any time soon. I got an injection which they told me will stop the contractions. An hour later while I was laying on the bed my water broke. I screamed and called the nurse. Mind you I was to have a C-Section with the baby I was carrying. That’s when I called my husband and told him “Kushubile” you need to be here urgently. When the sister came I could see the look in her eyes being shocked for the fact that my water broke and upon checking me she told me I’m diluted and the baby is coming out.

I was then rushed into the delivery room. The time between my water breaking and delivery was about 10 minutes. At around 19h00 I delivered a tiny beautiful baby boy. He only survived for about 40 minutes and he was no more.

micarriage

I cannot begin to express how that felt and I now know and understand how other women who went through the same/similar experience felt. I can never explain the pain of losing your own flesh. Thank you to my husband, family and friends who supported me through such a traumatic experience. Everyone that knows me knows how much I love kids. I truly did not see it coming. However I have accepted that everything happens for a reason and that God was with me every step of the way.

Now my dilemma is, I don’t know what to call my experience whether it was a still born or a miscarriage. The baby was very small weighed 550g and hence he could not make it. His lungs were underdeveloped so he only lived for few minutes. When people ask what happened, I cannot explain it in better terms. I do not think it was a still born as they baby was born alive, at the same time it was not a miscarriage. Whatever it was, IT WAS PAINFUL!

To all the women that went through a similar experience, know that you are not alone. However, we never talk about it publicly; but I decided to break this chain as so many women revealed they had gone through a similar experience after I hearing me share mine.

Do not feel ashamed and I hope you have found comfort in God and healed. It takes time. I’m still dealing with it, but feeling better than before.

On a lighter note… I can fortunately still try again and hopefully it will be a girl the next time.

If you’ve had a similar experience, please share with us and let us know how you handled people asking, how is the baby?

 

By Theo

26 Comments

  1. oh Theo, so sorry for your loss.

    I have shared my experience with Chica’s big sister (JustCurious). My little boy would have turned a year old yesterday, we had a mini celebration at home.

    “I do not think it was a still born as they baby was born alive, at the same time it was not a miscarriage.” Now that you have mentioned it, I don’t know what to call it either. I gave birth to a “Stillborn” but told baby must have took his last breath week/s prior because his skin had already peeled off when he was delivered at 38weeks imagine. Oh Lord the pain, my heart still bleeds. Wanted 4 kids in total but can’t have anymore due to my medical condition, had to sterilize. The “how is the baby doing?” question I get asked, I just say to them “Oh he’s a big boy now” and quickly run just to avoid having to explain what had happened. I am grateful I still have my 2 kids though. From my findings thus far, both my gynae and my hematologist were negligent.

    • Thank you LadySunday for sharing your story. Such a painful experience, however I know I’m not alone. God is always with me. I am also grateful that I’m blessed to have 2 boys at home that are healthy.

  2. What a scary ordeal to go through. How do you get over such pain. So sorry for your losses ladies

    • Thank you Silindile. You never get over it, a piece of you dies like literally. You have this human being growing inside of you and the next thing you get told, no heart beat. I accepted what had happened and honestly didn’t see this one coming, it is what it is. I never struggle to talk about it at all and that has helped a lot with my healing process. Theo, you will be okay babe.

    • Thank you Silindile Zondi. God carries us through. I could never wish this pain on my worst enemy.

  3. I’m so sorry for your loss Theo. God sees each tear that falls and hears you whenever you call.

    • Thanks babe

  4. Thank you for sharing Theo. Many women go through this and find it hard to share it.

    • It is so difficult to share it. You’ve got to deal with it yourself first. I’m comforted knowing that He loves me.

  5. OMG I am truly so sorry 🙁 🙁 🙁 🙁

  6. Your story just gave me chills.

    My cousin’s wife lost her first baby without even knowing. She had gone to the doctor and he kept telling her everything is fine. She was 4 months into her pregnancy when she consulted a different doctor who then told her that her baby had stopped developing long ago and that she was carrying a still born. Thankfully she tried again after two years, and is now a mom of two boys <3

    • I’m changed my Gynae, not that I’m blaming him however I felt I wasn’t helped and still don’t have answers.

  7. I’m sorry for your loss mntase. May God give you comfort and healing.

    My sister also went through this painful experience. Carried her boy for a full 9 months and died during labour, he was a big beautiful baby, we named him Sihlumile , we had a small burial for him. 2 years later she was blessed with the most gorgeous identical twin boys (look at God).

    You did not miscarry nor did you gigive birth to a still born, your baby was born alive and sadly passed on.

    God bless you

    • Oh mantase. My mom told me our sister and you’re right God is amazing.

    • I know this pain nam, my cousin gave birth to a beautiful lil girl that also lived for
      45 minutes. The staff was supposedly negligent. We had a funeral for her, it was so big 🙁 people came from all over to support the parents 2 months later the grandfather passed away from heartache 🙁

      • I unfortunately could not have a funeral for him because he was tiny, however we mourned as a family and we will always remember the day.

  8. Jesus is alive in women and keeps showing himself in different shapes and forms and the stories I have read here today describes His grace. May God carry each heart that has endured such pain with tenderness, only He knows the heart of woman, what it can carry and for what reason.
    Stay strong & blessed ladies, love and respect.

    • Thank you babe. All blessings to you too.

  9. So brave of you to share this Theo. I know you are a woman of faith and the Holy Spirit strengthens you. Stay strong!

    • Thanks babe

  10. Sorry for your loss. People who have never been through this never really understand! It’s extremely painful!!
    I suffered 3 miscarriages all at 12weeks before I had my daughter and then my son. People can be so insensitive as to say “I’m sure it’s not that painful because you never saw them in real life”. That’s BULLSHIT and people must stop it!!!

    I know this is not about that but it’s really painful even worse when people tell you how it should feel like!

    • It’s like people saying, atleast you didn’t take the baby home. It’s doesn’t really matter, a loss is a loss! Sorry to hear about your loss however as women we must be strong and solder on!

  11. Sorry for your loss Zoe, thy always say God gives the toughest battles to his strongest children you are proof of this mtase. may you find healing.

    • Thank you Zee…you’re quite right there.

  12. I had tears in in my eyes as I read your story.
    I had a miscarriage when I was 27. 3 years later I had a beautiful baby boy. I had 2 more miscarriages after that. All in my first trimester.
    I always wished for a baby girl, so when I fell pregnant again, and made it past the first trimester I was over the moon. 14 weeks in to my pregnancy , I also noticed water coming out.
    By the time I got medical help I had lost all my amniotic fluid. I was kept in hospital for 9 day. then I had to have a medical abortion.
    It still hurts to think about it. The worst was when my cousin told me I should have refused medical abortion because its wrong in the eyes of god,. It made me feel like it was somehow my fault.
    It happened 2 years ago but still hurts like it was yesterday. I,m too scared to try again


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Miscarriage

I always heard stories about it from friends. In fact to be exact about 4 of them had similar experiences in 2016 / early 2017. I could only imagine how they felt as I had never experienced it before.

I’m a mother of 2 boys and it was always my dream to have 3 kids. Of course I would have loved to have a girl in between, Minnie ME! So my husband and I tried for our “last born” and we were blessed to be carrying another boy. Yes! I was to have 3 boys at home. At first I was a bit disappointed however I later embraced what God has given me. I truly fell in love with the idea of having a boys’ only home which meant I would be the only Queen in the house.

On the 15th February 2017 I had gone to Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist at Morningside Medi-Clinic, where they do a full ANOMALY SCAN to check everything about the pregnancy and the baby. I had to wait about 2 months for the appointment. Everything came out clear, meaning everything was normal. There were no abnormalities about the baby and no concerns about my pregnancy. My risk was 1:1331.

So I was happy and content with my pregnancy knowing that everything is fine as confirmed by the Specialist. At this point I was 25 weeks pregnant.

On the 4th of March 2017 on a Saturday afternoon I had come back from my Saturday routine of taking the little ones to swimming classes. While I was resting at home, I noticed a vaginal watering discharge (not smelly) coming out to a point that I needed panty liners and I changed them constantly on the day. Not feeling any pains yet. I contacted my Gynae; his phone was on voice mail. I then contacted a friend of mine who was pregnant to ask if she has experienced anything like this, she told me she has and that her Gynae told her it is normal. I then contacted another friend of mine who is a Pharmacist and googled on the side and she told me if it is not smelly, it is fine. Google also told me that this fluid is normal.

My helper, whom I am very grateful of, encouraged that I should go the hospital and not stay longer at home with something I was not sure of. My husband was away on travel. Luckily my younger sister had come for a visit so I went with her to the hospital. At this point I was feeling some pains but only for short moments and not that intense. I also got hold of my Gynae who also encouraged that I should go to the hospital.

As I walked into the hospital to check myself in an emergency, I remember joking to my sister saying, these people will laugh at me because there’s really nothing wrong with me as I thought the minor pains were probably from the fact that I needed some rest. I was immediately transferred to the Maternity Ward.

I remember I still called my husband and told him that I’m at hospital and that he should not worry, in fact there’s not even a need for him to come back as I still thought nothing was of major concern.

I met a very lovely sister/nurse who took care of me before my Gynae arrived and the first thing they checked were the contractions, so I went in a monitor for about 30 minutes or so. To my surprise I had regular contractions meaning I was in labour. “I’m 25 weeks pregnant, this baby is very tiny and premature labour is a risk” Those were the words running through my head. The nurse assured me that even though they have noticed the contractions, however she was still determined that the baby will not be out any time soon. I got an injection which they told me will stop the contractions. An hour later while I was laying on the bed my water broke. I screamed and called the nurse. Mind you I was to have a C-Section with the baby I was carrying. That’s when I called my husband and told him “Kushubile” you need to be here urgently. When the sister came I could see the look in her eyes being shocked for the fact that my water broke and upon checking me she told me I’m diluted and the baby is coming out.

I was then rushed into the delivery room. The time between my water breaking and delivery was about 10 minutes. At around 19h00 I delivered a tiny beautiful baby boy. He only survived for about 40 minutes and he was no more.

micarriage

I cannot begin to express how that felt and I now know and understand how other women who went through the same/similar experience felt. I can never explain the pain of losing your own flesh. Thank you to my husband, family and friends who supported me through such a traumatic experience. Everyone that knows me knows how much I love kids. I truly did not see it coming. However I have accepted that everything happens for a reason and that God was with me every step of the way.

Now my dilemma is, I don’t know what to call my experience whether it was a still born or a miscarriage. The baby was very small weighed 550g and hence he could not make it. His lungs were underdeveloped so he only lived for few minutes. When people ask what happened, I cannot explain it in better terms. I do not think it was a still born as they baby was born alive, at the same time it was not a miscarriage. Whatever it was, IT WAS PAINFUL!

To all the women that went through a similar experience, know that you are not alone. However, we never talk about it publicly; but I decided to break this chain as so many women revealed they had gone through a similar experience after I hearing me share mine.

Do not feel ashamed and I hope you have found comfort in God and healed. It takes time. I’m still dealing with it, but feeling better than before.

On a lighter note… I can fortunately still try again and hopefully it will be a girl the next time.

If you’ve had a similar experience, please share with us and let us know how you handled people asking, how is the baby?

 

By Theo

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