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I Am 22 And Unattractive

Hey Beautiful Women,

I have a bit of an issue that I was hoping maybe you'd help me tackle.
I'm a 22 year old tertiary student and in my 22 years of life, I've never had a boyfriend. To be more precise, I've never had a guy approach me or ask me out or anything that shows ukuthi the guy is interested.
I have girl friends who tell me that there's nothing to rush for and also have some people saying this is abnormal.

I've even lost all my self confidence and am no longer even in a position where I can say I'm ready to date. I don't know if I'm too ugly, too fat, just uninteresting or everything combined. I even started working out last year to lose a bit of weight, but self confidence still dololo.

I have male friends but I'm not entirely comfortable around them except two, because we're at the same res as of this year. My friends however are mainly girls (I went to an ALL-GIRLS boarding high school and then stayed at an ALL-GIRLS res for 3 years) so I'm uncomfortable around guys.

Is anything wrong? I mean what can I do to be attractive to guys? Or must I not worry at all?


21 comments on “I Am 22 And Unattractive”

  1. My love, I really don't think there is anything wrong with you. I fortunately got to see your insta page and you are a normal beautiful girl there's nothing ugly about you. I refuse to believe it is a reflection on you. You are so so young and life hasn't even begun for you. I don't have the right words, but all I know is that you are not too ugly, you are not too fat! It just hasn't happened and I don't know if there is a reason for that.

  2. Hi Beautiful Lady, (Yes You)

    You are so well spoken, I can see this through your writing.

    For a greater part of my high school years, I didn't love myself, nor think I was beautiful. I've had people publically say that I am ugly and fat, unfortunately, For a greater part of my life, I believed them.

    It was only when I got fed up with people's opinions and views on me that I started loving myself, I freed myself from all of the self-hate. I begun loving myself fully and unapologetically. I affirmed myself daily of my beauty, my purpose and my greatness. See, you can run and burn off excessive weight, but you can't run to buy love or confidence. It needs to come from within, you need to nurture and be it. You become love. You become confident. You need to love yourself, embrace yourself and be happy to be yourself. No one can and should live you into loving yourself.

    Never do anything for the approval or validation of someone else. You wanna lose weight? Do it for you. You want to be recognized? Do it for yourself. You want to be great? Do it for you honey. The only approval that ever matters is your own. Approve of yourself. Love yourself fully and you will attract people who will fall in love with the real you, not a broken, approval seeking young girl.

    Words are powerful nana, and we become the very words we utter to, and about ourselves. You are so young, you still have many great years ahead of you. You are at a great Age in your life to not be at your happiest. Renew your mind. Live. Dream. Love & Just be YOU. You do not want to spend a greater part of your life, regretting these days you are wasting with self pity. Go on and live your life for YOU. Love yourself and be kind to yourself. You are beautiful.

    1. Wow. Thank you Sharon, you said everything that I wanted to touch on and said it beautifully.

      Beautiful lady, renew your mind. The mind is where it all starts. Examine your thoughts.

  3. Hi anonymous

    I don't know you and I don't even want to see your picture however one thing I know is that most men are afraid of strong women! What if guys don't approach you because of your strong character? What if you never had a boyfriend because you are very smart and they are scared that you' ll make them feel inferior? Sweety stop looking down on yourself and realise the power you have within you. Your are young please enjoy life have fun, the older and wiser you get you will know that a man does not define you nor does your looks or weight its all in the heart. Stay blessed and remember you are strong 🙂 follow me on Twitter @MissJay_Smash

  4. Hi girl. I'm also 22 this year,and I'm currently on a journey towards building my self confidence,esteem,etc.

    I had a similar problem too. At the beginning of the year,I realised that I didn't have the social life I wanted,or get approached by decent guys was because I had a really low self-esteem. That I can't expect others to like me if I don't even like myself.

    It hurt alot,but I knew that I had to make some changes. This might sound clichê,but maybe you should start by getting closer to God. Continue going to the gym,using affirmations,etc. I followed Alex Elle (@alex_elle) on instagram,who has helped me alot. I think you should do the same.

    Take it one day at a time,love. There's nothing wrong with you. You're beautiful,special & all types of magical ❤

  5. To a certain degree, I am you I can really comprehend what you're going through.
    You are created in the image of the most High, as women we tend to base our significance on doing and hope the activity will verify our value and lovability and forget the fact that just being created by God makes us deeply significant. Start looking at yourself in the mirror,declare and believe you are beautiful don't wait for anyone to validate it. You are all you have. Take care xoxo

  6. Hey girl!

    I too didn't date or have boys approach me until late in life.

    The key is CONFIDENCE. No matter how good or bad you THINK you look, if you don't feel happy, sexy and CONFIDENT you won't attract the right attention. My advise is to work on your confidence, if you're feeling shy at a social gathering go to the loo and give yourself a pep talk.

  7. Hey Nana. I read a tweet that had a link to this blog and I was touched by how young you are, you are too young to feel this way. I can relate to your sentiments and that I why I am writing this to you. Don't compare yourself to others, comparison just steals your joy and clouds your view of the beautiful life that you can have when you embrace your path.
    On a more practical point sometimes people don't get approached because of lack of visibility. In order for someone to like you, they need to see you and the law of probability teaches us the more you are sociable the more people see and the greater the chances of someone asking you out.
    Also don't always walk in groups with friends be alone sometimes, it is easier for a guy to come up to you
    Live your life and the guy will come along. Trust and believe

  8. Hey Sis,
    I know how you feel. I'm a soon to be 35 year old woman and I've been single for the last 20years.As I child I was always ridiculed for my appearance: nose too big, too skinny too dark....there was always something wrong to the people around me. I grew up with serious hangups, never feeling good enough. So I focussed on books to prove myself worthy to the world.

    But fast forward now as I look back I realised that the world is cruel and I have to love myself first. I still don't have a man, still hardly get approached by men, but I know it's not my fault or cause im not attractive.
    Sis, im certain you are very attractive, I also feel you are a strong, focussed young lady. A lot of the time that light intimidates those who are only looking to play. Take it from ME, don't compromise yourself to try be like other girls - have fun, develop yourself spiritually, emotionally and intellectually. Achieve yoyr greatness, travel, build the life yoy want for yourself first.This season may be saving you from unnecessary heartache and disappointment. You will be approached by the right kinda guys who can handle all you bring in time. Even then , sometimes you may have to let a few go because you are gold not to be played with.

  9. All these comments are making me teary. Thank you to everyone who shared their comments and stories, i will constantly refer back to all your comments in my growth and on my journey. Thank you so much . God bless you always

  10. Baby girl, love comes from within, I know this because I was in your shoes once, I know how you feel babe. Your ONE will come, it's not about how you look or your weight it's about what you say to yourself, what you believe about you. What works for me is affirmations, learn to love yourself daily, affirm the love for yourself to yourself daily. The thing with feeling unloved/unattractive and ugly is that you will fall for the next guy that so much as looks your way, and that ain't right. Don't give the world authority over you, YOU ARE THE BOSS OF YOU! DO YOU

  11. Hey boo.
    There is absolutely nothing special about boys; they are so trashy anyway. Take all this beautiful advice from these beautiful ladies and only seek validation from God. He truly does give identity.
    You are beautiful beyond measure and YOU should believe that. Xoxo

  12. No amount of words will make you feel better Sisi, I know because I have been there. Thinking why I can't have a boyfriend. Even when I did the relationship would last for 2 seconds and the guy would not speak to me again.
    I had a lot of people trying to give their views on this. Some would say NGILOYIWE others would say it was probably something I did. I went to countless prophets who said this and that. I even bathed with chicken blood and had this other one prophet saying I should go bath in the river. BONA I have tried EVERYTHING. Even praying at 12h00 midnight and midday BUT DOLOLO boyfriend.

    I realised that the problem wasn't me, what I was doing, or who bewitched me or God not answering me. It was in how I viewed life. Wanting to be happy because I HAVE A BOYFRIEND, or I AM GETTING MARRIED, or I AM PREGNANT. I was basing my life on what others have. I am getting old and I wanted kids and a normal relationship. I wanted them because, EVERYONE I knew has them. My friends are getting married and having kids and mina I'm riding SOLO. Heck even my little sister got married and had kids before me. So instead of finding an answer to my problems, I started searching for my purpose in life. I haven't found it yet but I am happy. I am doing little things to make me happy. I am travelling ALONE and meeting new people and having broad conversations. I am writing, I am opening countless business ventures. I am LIVING. Not because I have a husband or kids but because I AM ALIVE and I HAVE A PURPOSE!!!

    It is unexplainable but live for you darling. Live for the man who brought you here. Live for the man who died for you. Live for the man who created the world and these men tht we so badly want. Don't care what people say. If we ever lived according to peoples perceptions of us, we would live as broken beings.

    I was at some point told that I am sleeping with monkey at night that are sent by my enemies and then some even said I am being used by my enemies at night. The world is a scary place my dear. Pray everyday and put your trust in God. The best advise I received from my friend was "JUST PRAY" and by so doing, here I am today LIVING!!! Siyadlula emhlabeni

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  14. It is unfortunate that we live in a world where women think that their worth is derived from the number of men who approach them. A person's worth is defined by them.Whether or not guys approach you says very little about who you are and what your capabilities are.Focus on building yourself and not seek the validation or approbation of others.You will always have yourself and that necessitates cultivating a phenomenal relationship with yourself.If you do not recognise your own greatness then nobody else will.No human being has the capacity to fulfill,complete or make another happy. You have to be fulfilled,complete, and happy within yourself.You also can't build your confidence on how you look because looks are subjective.People will always find fault with others and want to change them.It is up to the individual to define what is acceptable and what is not.I have a unibrow and a moustache.I am proud of these features that others might disapprove of because i won my life and the choices i make.Seklf-confidence takes time and requires a lot of introspection,being aware of one's thoughts and unlearning some of the bad habits that taint one's idea of self.

  15. Oh honey
    I know I know I know
    I know exactly how you feel.
    I've been exactly where you are, I'm 24 and have never had a boyfriend too.

    Everything you're feeling, every emotion; that sadness, that self doubt, every single thing that you're feeling  now I've felt and then some so I know.

    In my case I also never ever got asked ever for years!! Not until I was 20 But when guys did start asking me out that made me feel worse.
    If I gave out my phone number they never called or texted.
    I've been stood up for a date twice! The guy just didn't show up.
    I've been told Im not really looking for anything with anyone sorry, only for that same guy to be with a new girl the next week.
    Ive been ghosted countless times and every guy that ever approached me has ended up in a relationship with the next girl the meet after me every single one!  So you can imagine this heightened the "this is all me I'm the problem" feelings I had to begin with.

    I've been on three "real  dates " in my life, only one of those were close to good and the other was a guy friend who took me out because he got tired of my constant whining about the whole thing.

    So I have sat exactly where you are and felt everything you are feeling, I've watched friends not only have thriving relationships but get married  and wonder if I will ever get there.

    I can't say I've conquered those feelings fully because I dont know if one ever does but I did decide that I no longer want them to control me or my life.

    I guess this isn't really offering any sound avise because I know that nothing anyone ever told me made me feel better because they weren't in it.

    What I can say is focusing on areas of my life that were going well e.g. the fact that I'm an amazing friend, doing well at Varsity, work, seeing myself improve in things I wasn't so good at or even achieving some of my goals, knowing that I have been blessed to with a best friend like mine who is truly my soul mate and has been in my life for almost ten years,  working on areas of my life I wasnt happy with and changing them for the better. All those things and more  really helped change those feelings  for me of feeling  wanted or not good enough etc,  in a big way!

    In all this I've also learnt that if you aren't happy with yourself or your life being in a relationship won't change things not as deeply as they would need to change anyway. After all our issues with ourselves don't just disappear just because someone else loves us.

    I know and believe you are a beautiful woman with an incredible personality and the right person will see that and won't want to change anything about you.
    I'm holding onto hope for us both that someone is going to show up for us! That we were alone so long because the universe/ God was about to show the hell off with the incredible blessing of a man we end up with or if not a man am incredible life full of everything that makes our heart pump custard!
    I'll keep saying that prayer for you and holding onto hope always until it comes true.

    And even if "he" doesn't show I hope you create a life so beautiful for yourself that even if a man doesnt end up in it, you will truly be okay.

    Ps : I hope in some strange way knowing that you aren't alone helps a little.

    Love and light.

    Pps: You're not 22 and Unattractive, you're 22 and haven't found a guy YET!

  16. Hey sweetie...don't ever put pressure on yourself. You have it all, stay positive and stay in your Gods given position, don't be moved by negativity. Never compare yourself and undermine your ability and capability. Your education is your man can give you this qualification {Academic Qualification}. Stay focused and find self love, connect with the inner self and remind yourself every minute that " I am beautiful, I have all it takes" A man or dating a partner will confuse you right now.

    You in a good age, you can enjoy a happy love life in your 30's...self independence is key

    Good luck, I love you

  17. There was a time in my life when I felt unattractive because guys weren't approaching me (especially at varsity). The guys that did approach me were the ones I did not like (or I would see red flags and decide not to get into a relationships with them). Some of my friends (mainly single friends) never put pressure on me. Friends in relationships on the other hand were the ones who were always asking me when I will get a boyfriend which annoyed me to be quite honest. They say I'm too picky and that's the reason why I haven't found a guy. I turned 28 this year and I have never had a 'real' boyfriend.

    Last year, I decided to get close to one guy (well, he approached me, so I allowed myself to go with the flow), a person I knew very well wasn't for me - look, I'm not saying I am perfect, nor am I saying I'm looking for the perfect man, but I know what I want and he wasn't it. Through the course of the 'talking' stage, I told him that it wasn't going to work but he wasn't having it - we remained in the 'talking stage' because he insisted and I still regret it to this day. We didn't have the same values and so I ended up accepting things and doing things I wouldn't normally do - there were also trust issues as the mother of his baby was still a part of his life (they are co-parenting which is a good thing) but, something was dodgy and I could just tell. It became difficult to pull away from this 'thing' that we had but I knew I had to do it. I felt miserable for not staying true to myself because of loneliness, that for me was hard to accept but I've since learned from my situation.

    The point I'm trying to get at is that, do not let your happiness depend on finding a guy because you might end up with someone who isn't yours as a result of loneliness. Decide for yourself what your 'mains' are in the type of guy you are looking for and do not compromise. Be grateful for what you have in your life at the moment.

    I've since learned that, actually, I'm ok with being single and yes, one day I would like to find someone but if they don't come, I will try to be thankful and happy with things as they are. I'm grateful for my career, my family and my friends. I have big plans for my future and I'm working hard to achieve them. I'd rather have peace in my life than get myself into a dysfunctional relationship for the sake of being 'coupled up'. I love myself and I'm living my life to the fullest, and it feels so good.

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