Have you ever wanted something but always felt like you were held back from achieving it? I have. Many, many times. It’s the demon called FEAR that’s holding you, and I back from that goal you keep running away from every other day.

If there’s one thing I did effectively in 2017 and believe I deserve a medal for, is having self-doubt.

I remember drafting a bucket list with the utmost enthusiasm at the beginning of the year accompanied by reasonable deadlines to make my list seem more achievable, and for it to motivate me to reach those goals. Listen, I drafted, created a half-baked vision board and closed my journal with the satisfaction of what I had in front of me.

Little did I know that I would only cross out 2 of the 7 goals I had set for myself for the year 2017 which were graduating for my Honours in Psychology and for being offered a full time job  after my internship ended. YAY me. I did THAT!! However, that excitement of the two most important things died out quicker than Chris Brown’s character on Stomp The Yard. I don’t recall celebrating those milestones because I was too focused on what I was struggling to achieve instead.

It haunts me almost every other day that I’ve let fear dictate my capabilities to an extent where I struggled to keep up with the promises I made to myself which no one forced me into. Self-doubt has been the biggest enemy of progress: despite all the potential and hard work, if there’s  constant self-doubt, then none of the things we wish and work for will ever come into being. We won’t reap the fruits of our labour.

I see young black women flourishing while I clap for them at a distance and always say to myself “you could win too if you only believed in yourself like you believe in other people.” I say it repeatedly, but somehow I end up forgetting those words when I need to start lifting myself up again. It’s depressing.

I hate this demon because I’ve let it ruin my year like I’m not a child of God. I hate it because it took over, slowly but surely, and left me out in the cold to try to pick up my self-esteem again. The fear has settled so comfortably that I don’t even know where to begin by “letting it go,” how many times should I pray it away, or how many mantras should I say to myself to psych myself up? Honestly, I do not know.

But you know what the beauty of life is? Starting again. As long as God blesses me with another day of life, then I still have the chance to prove myself to myself.

If you’re reading this and have been suffering from this demon, I hope that you find your light: whether it’s thoughts of failing at school, not getting the job you’ve been applying for, being afraid to love again and having the fear of starting a business because you think it will fail; I hope you really find your light.

We cannot keep living in fear and feeding the spirit with negativity.

Writing this post is a step in the right direction for me because if I forget my purpose then I can always revert back here and remind myself. Besides, what’s the point of giving advice if I don’t take it myself?

Masedi