A recent whatsapp conversation led me to think about my relationship with ASKING. I think I have generally always been scared to ask for what I want - in dating, business and life in general. Looking at what has been happening in my life recently, I thankfully acknowledge that I have made considerable efforts to change this, and try get comfortable with asking but oh boy, is it hard! And scary!
Scary because when I ask, I know there is a chance of getting a No and I don't know about you but I don't deal well with rejection. I'm scared of being rejected. Life has however taught me that the consequences of not asking, may be even worse than the rejection.
My thing is always wanting to maintain peace and in any situation, not wanting to make the other person feel uncomfortable (even when they deserve to) and not wanting to be labeled pushy, needy or desperate so I'd avoid asking tough/uncomfortable questions in a relationship, I'd not ask for more money at work, even being scared to ask my son for what I want him to do.
On this last one, whenever I ask my son to bring me something from another room, there'll be a voice inside me criticizing me for being lazy. When I scold him for not washing the dishes, the scolding will be followed by me asking him if I'm being unreasonable for expecting him to do that, and in hindsight I realize that this may have to do with me wanting confirmation that it's okay for me to ask this.
I actually just remembered now that even when someone asks me for my social media rates, I almost always revert to asking "What is your budget" instead of sending my rates because I'm scared of being told I'm expensive... so silly right? Obviously whatever rate I would charge is well thought out and deserved but the self criticism makes me anxious.
I don't know if any of this has to do with self esteem and believing I'm worthy which is something I struggled with for the longest time. I am however learning to ask and I've started asking. Now what is left, is for me to also learn to be unapologetic after asking.
In the whatsapp conversation I referred to, I asked for what I want and then I sent another message apologizing for sounding like I'm putting pressure... when that was exactly what I was doing. Because it's surely okay to put pressure on getting answers when you aren't right? Ooh, the strugles ladies!
People tend to prefer suffering later rather than suffering now, and so they opt for the timid route of inaction, accepting future regret to avoid current rejection.
This quote about accepting future regret to avoid current rejection had me thinking about how I've often been scared to ask for what I want in relationships. This is often always followed by disappointment, unfair disappointment at that because how can you be disappointed that the person has not done what they did not know you expected them to do?
Which gets me to think about the ex who texted me today to talk about nothing. I really would prefer that we do not talk, but instead of telling him that, I was polite and asked about his family, all because I did not want him to feel bad. The sad thing though is that if he were in my shoes, he'd probably straight up tell me not to contact him. I need to do better... sigh..actually let me go text him and tell him not to contact me again. And I'm going to do even better and not type the next thought that came to my mind, which was to ask you if this is reasonable lol.
Can you confidently ask for what you want?
By LeloB
Yaaaaaaaay thank you for blogging!!!
Lol it’s been long I know 🙂
My initial thoughts *LOL* welcome back Lelo
I feel like I wrote this whole blog
This is me 🙁
I struggle to ask especially in relationships becomes I'm always told that I'm pushy, aggressive, bullying, to being told that I'm not a priority (if I'm not, what /who is?).... to mention a few. Strangely, I'm bold at asking at work and other spheres.... Gosh.. how do I get it right in the relationship front?...sigh*
♀️♀️♀️ This is so me ... like you said though, it has a lot to do with making the next person feel comfortable and whereas if it had to be the other way round, they wouldn’t think twice about making you feel otherwise... wow ♀️
Great article. I am the exact opposite....even as a child I "selfishly" (a word used by people who do not understand my straightforwardness about my needs) demanded, and as an adult I am still the same, perhaps worse and I am always happy to close the door and walk away if my needs are not met, be it in love, business or life in general....
I want to be you one day. I have middle child syndrome, I've never learnt how to be *selfish* I always accept the scraps
Yes, I learned to confidently and unapologetically ask for what I want after I learned that it was not just MY problem but a general WOMEN problem. Men generally have no problem saying what they want (that's why even a lowlife who hangs at the street corner all day will have no problem hitting on you even if he clearly can't offer you anything).
You need to train yourself to say what you want. Start by practicing this: EVERY TIME someone asks you what you want, never answer with "I don't know" "Whatever" "I don't care" "It doesn't matter" or anything similar. Train yourself to ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS say what you want. Whether it's where to eat, what to eat, what time you should meet, what flavour drink you want, whether you want to sit in front to at the back of a car, what music do you want to listen to, absolutely anything you are asked ALWAYS say it. The more you do this with small, seemingly insignificant things, you train yourself to do it with bigger, more important things as well.
Yes, it is scary at first because you will be afraid of upsetting people, but rather upset others than upset yourself. Yes, you may end up losing people in your life because eventually you will even say NO more often, but so what?
Be deliberate about what you ACCEPT - because ultimately what you accept is what you will end up with.
Like my No my asking is loud ,bold and clear .The only thing with this though is that not a lot of people are matured enough to respect and try and understand the person asking ,it can be alienating as the asking exposes the people asked in how they respond . .Asking is important ,it makes me sleep better at night .Ask ,speak up and be clear as you would say NO.
Errr nope. I can't ask for anything, even in relationships. I just silently trudge along hoping not to ruffle any feathers. Talking of which I have been dating this guy for like 6 months now, he has never taken me out on a proper date. He kind of lives far so when he's around we sort of sit tight in one spot and 'bond' I'm starting to wonder if he knows anything about 'going out on dates' do I ask him to take me out or do I take matters into my own hands and take him out instead?
As a guy lol and as young I am, i tend to refrain from asking for anything because what if people start feeling like you always want something from them or you just value them for what they only give you? Its also this mentality to always be liked and not be a guy who's trash lol.