I think at some point in all our lives, we have all experienced that pure, innocent love; whose survival relied purely on spending time with each other, sitting in the park, drinking juice or walking back home from school together having fat chats about who copied who’s homework. It’s at that point where love was what we saw in movies.
I won’t lie. It was the greatest times for love. Very few expectations but fulfilling at the same time. The “I am content with a Mc Donalds burger” kind of love. But let’s be honest, the older we get, the more tainted this idea of relationships becomes.
Do these adjusted ideas of love and relationships include the role that money plays in the upkeep of a fun and enjoyable relationship? Are you finding yourself under pressure financially while trying to please your better half?
Society and gender roles
I am pretty sure most of us have had this conversation while sitting at a braai or chillas with our mates. It’s one of those topics that are fast heading to the top of the “Topics to avoid at a dinner table” list, along with religion and politics. Boundless states that Gender roles are based on norms, or standards, created by society. In most cases masculine roles are usually associated with strength, aggression, and dominance, while feminine roles are associated with passivity, nurturing, and subordination.
Which brings me to the issue of the hunter gatherer and the nurturer. We have been socialised to believe that men are providers and women are the caregivers, right? Is there anything wrong with wanting a man to provide for you, as a women?
Money talks, shellington walks
I had a conversation with an interesting guy once on why he said he had a dry spell with relationships for a while. His reason for this was that he was having financial issues and therefore could not afford taking anyone out on dates in hopes of a relationship. I found this very sad to say the least.
All the LOL’s. Are words and non-monetary valued gestures no longer enough?
I don’t know. This is all a bit confusing. Purely because all the finer and fun things in life require money, right? I went on and asked my Twitter followers what they thought were awesome relationships that didn’t necessarily break the bank and this is what they said:
@The_Mphiga: “You date someone who doesn’t expect every penny to come out of your pocket”
@Sanele_Mtshali: “I always think going out is a waste of money”
@Mfundo_Ncedo: “Going on picnics, staying in and cooking for your partner as well”
The money talk with your “bae”
This chat has never gone down well with any of my partners and maybe my approach has been wrong all along. In any relationship, matters of the wallet can be just as important as matters of the heart. At the end of the day, money decisions impact a couple at every stage - from the newlywed days of getting a joint bank account and shared home to the retirement phase of planning new adventures and discovering hobbies to fill your days.
I would like to advise the following, to make sure we don’t break the bank for the sake of love (which may very well be temporary)
Whether you're just starting out as a couple, newly married or have been married for many years, communication about money can be a real sticking point in relationships. To help remove any tension that may come with these chats, try to make the conversation less about flowcharts and spreadsheets, and more about goals and values. Make sure these somewhat align.
I do think it’s a sweet gesture to take the bill every now and then. Or spoil him on a night out to the club or an afternoon at the Farmers Market and if he likes smelling good, his favourite perfume. It won’t hurt and it sure as hell would make him feel a lot special.
You don’t always have to spend much to have an amazing time together as a couple. The odd picnic and Netflix/series and chill would do the most to keep the home fires burning too. In these tough economic times, more couples should be doing the most, with less. Save up for a weekend away or a cooking class. Should be fun
In reality there are couples that don’t even need to worry about finances, but for those who do, I suggest taking things a little more seriously. Ideally, receiving love should not be reliant on what material things we have but hey… it is what it is, right?
What cool things do you and your bae do that cost next to nothing? Let’s share and allow everyone to flourish in this love thing, money or very little money…
@Keagi_M
"Money talks, shellington walks" heheh have never heard this one before.
I think picnics are underrated yazi? You really get to connect with the person, and they are so cheap compared to restaurant lunches.
Looking forward to hearing what others think.
You have a point hey. One should always consider such before breaking the bank in order to save face(like movies at the park or doing arcade games on a random Saturday) instead of doing weekend getaways EVERY weekend.
I for one know that I love watching movies so doing the cinema every now and again is alright but I’d rather do a movie night/marathon type of vibe or even cook for my better half(or even better, getting her to join me in my cooking classes) so I’ve learned to mix up the two in my future relationships…
Bae loves home cooked meals, so most of the time I prepare nice dinners with a glass of wine and we enjoy our time at home. In that way we get to connect and communicate about a lot of things. Now and again we"ll go for date nights, those are important, especially if the couple has kids...as they can be daunting.
Hehehehe Money talks ne #TheLifeWeLiving #BlessersMustBeFoundNot
Picnics at parks are all sorts of awesome hey, very romantic too, you get to talk and bond and clear your minds nje.
Reading the same book also works just fine if you both into reading.
The truth is once in a while "date night" is necessary.
Then you find someone you really like that doesn't really like the things you like. How tricky can this love things get
Its not so easy for men who consider themselves "not romantic" yazi. I still find this so tricky. Hard to find a balance
Picnics and home cooked dinners are my go to- not only do they allow for more intimacy and good conversation but they also show more of an effort to me than being taken to a restaurant. The time taken to prepare all the things I like that does it for me.
@Keagi M this is a great article. I love Chica already well done ladies
Thank you Nokubonga 🙂 At the beginning stages I would like to think you would make more of an effort yazi. Did you see Lee's comment?
For me, timing is everything. I am not the girl that will take the bill on the 1st/2nd date. in fact as much as I apply the 90 day rule to my sex life, I apply the 90 day rule to my wallet as well. I'd like my man to take me on date woo me and impress me. I wanna be courted and that costs money. Once we've made it official then the spoiling from my side can begin and YES I will pay the bill every now and again
You made an interesting point about the 90 day rule. lmao
I know someone who also finds the courting stages soooo important. No compromising
"Romance with no Finance is nonsense" Mohammed Ali.
heard this on radio 200 last week? how true? Lol! Chris Rock once said "nothing turns off a woman like opening her wallet"
Haha opening my wallet doesn't turn me off if I know that you are a man who knows how to take care of me. Infact, as a woman, you need to spoil your man. He shouldn't be a servant, he's your prince. If he does his part, do your part.
Thatha Nika (sp) its a two way thing
Lmao this made my day
Hahahah Bee i'm taking this quote with me, great article Keagi. Honestly speaking go jola go a tura guys.
Thanks boo! Lets see what we can tackle next!
Money talks!
Haha this goes back to the twitter discussion of dating in your financial lane. Not meaning that you should date rich because your standards are high, but basically jola la nizo understander the value of money as a partnership. With that being said, on the same token, mina ang'funi stress. I've been a breadwinner for the most part of my life, it's lovely and all, but I don't want my kids to have the same struggles that I have had as a young woman. Hence I work hard and I'm "independent" ... So that means I need to date / marry a man who's eager to be a provider and who will be ABLE to provide. There really is nothing wrong in wanting a man with a comfortable pocket, Kea is right. Mina ngizoba rich, so nje ang'funi umuntu ohlala ekhoneni. No thank you! Like Kea said, "ngiyazikhona" .. So if you're gonna be with me, ngikhone ukuze nami ngizokukhona sijole kube mnandi.
Find your men ladies. Nothing wrong in wanting financial security 🙂 ... NB: Work on you while you're at it!
I'm with GuguM on this one 100%
See and thats what women need to get also. Can't be making demands, uxakekile wena self. Have something to bring to the table. It doesn't have to be all that gigantic
I have particularly strong feelings about this topic. Money can't buy love and love don't cost a thing. But the reality is, the admin and logistics of running a relation do have cost implications. Even Netflix requires data that's bought with money. And that chilled TV dinner at home... That food ain't free. The lines of communication around money must always be open,as awkward as it is.
I sooooo agree on the logistics part hey.
Not everything requires money, couples can connect in many ways without money, i.e. taking walks on the beach, watching sunsets, etc. Whilst having said this, if we decide to have brunch at The One & Only, whether I foot the bill or KingBae does it's irrelevant.
When you date in your financial lane, it helps manage your expectations because love should never break the bank or make your man(who in most cases is the provider) feel inadequate when he can't provide you with "Le Good Life" society portrays.
Ah! The money discussion is that awkward, unwanted person in the room that does unfortunately need to come up at some point. I personally feel like dating has become such an expensive exercise. You spend more when you date because someone told us that we are supposed to spend money on constant dinners, movies etc. But what about the guys that can't afford to do this? Does that mean we will miss out on opportunities to date great men who are still on the come up? I personally prefer being indoors with a partner (not ALL the time). That's when you really get to know someone. Cooking, picnics, series marathons are the boooomb. But I defs aint constantly financing anyone- life is too expensive yo. IEish such pressure. Lovely article.
I couldn't agree with you more @Leratotsotetsii...
Men on the come up are fine at university. We are working now, a man must have money to spend on dating or stay single until he can afford.
...I love this Chica. Well done Lelo and Team
Great read Kea 🙂
I remember our one month anniversary(3 years ago) date...we celebrated at Festival Mall parking lot, we bought Steers ice cream, a packet of chips and 1l of flavoured sparkling water and had a good time chilling at the parking lot. mind you we took a taxi there so we didn't chill in the car... at that time I wasn't turned off considering the relationship was one month in, and I'm still not turned off by cheap dates cause they are the best and create best memories and convos. We don't have to spend a lot on dates and we know how to do cheap dates very well, we get free movie tickets + free snacks a week, sometimes we'd buy spar chicken stews and subs or salads(under R50) and eat at a home till we have itis and pass out, we watch the same series, and sometimes when it's really tough he cycles from work(in sandton) to my house(in greenstone) so we can spend the evening together...I swear one day I'll take him to Red Lobster lol.
I love you Kea I love Chica.
Ahhh that is the cutest ever!!!!!!!! 🙂 🙂 I love it!!!! Your bae is super cute
I think it works if your man is making an effort to do the most with the least. When he is not even trying at all, it is a major major turn off. And maybe that is actually the root of the issue more than it is teh money?
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