I have been struggling a lot lately with the concept of forgiveness. I mean what is forgiveness, when should we forgive, who should we forgive and what should we forgive?? These are all the questions that have been running through my mind.
A man caller recently called in on Metro FM during the breakfast show and spoke about his wife who cheated, fell pregnant and had a child outside marriage. He spoke so profoundly about the situation. The caller mentioned that they spoke about it openly with the wife; he forgave the wife and accepted the child as his own flesh and blood. The couple now have a healthy marriage.
A female caller then called in and spoke about her former husband who was cheating and even after he was forgiven a thousand times, he still went on with his cheating ways and had 4 children from different women. This lady forgave the husband continuously whenever he cheated but later made a decision to divorce the husband.
I have also been hurt and disappointed by people in my life that never apologized and never asked for forgiveness. As a result, failed relationships and ruined friendships. I have never realised an apology was difficult, but I still think the most difficult one is forgiveness. Today, I still struggle with forgiveness; it takes a lot out of me.
Not that I hold grudges against people that have hurt me, but I just can’t seem to totally forgive and forget, especially if I did not receive any apology. I sometimes find that if I do forgive, I do so with conditions. I would say I forgive them, but I want nothing to do with them, in fact I wish the same thing could happen to them.
Does it mean that I am a bad person?
I always said in my marriage I will forgive everything else but cheating. If my husband cheats, how will I ever trust him again? If he continuously cheats after forgiveness, is it fair for me to forgive him again??
As we know that our God is forgiving. If you truly acknowledge your sins and repent, He will forgive you without any conditions. Why can’t we do the same as human beings? I actually think the world will be a better place if we could just forgive each other. But how?
The male caller from Metro FM reminded me that forgiveness is the key principle in any relationship, it frees your soul and forgiveness benefits you more than it benefits the other party.
Listovative.com listed the reasons why forgiveness is important:
Please share with us any challenges you may have with forgiveness. What have you struggled with the most? What have you forgiven and will NOT forgive?
By Theo
forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation. i can forgive you but it doesn't mean life will get back to how it was.
forgetting doesn't happen. i know i have forgiven you when it doesn't upset or makes me sad when i think about what you did.
I fully agree that if it doesn't upset you then it means you have forgiven.
My thought exactly Masa.
Ah Theo. You took the words right out of my mouth. I, too struggle with forgiveness. I am actually on a journey now to learn how to properly forgive and release people. Sometimes when people disappoint us we end up so bitter- while they are so unbothered going about their lives- it is only detrimental to us. Also, we hold onto things unsaid and occupy the position of the victim by not forgiving.
I think the first step is allowing ourselves to feel. To be angry, cry, br mad, punch a pillow. That's what I have learned. The rest , I am yet to find out. Awesome article mama!
That's so true Lerato...What's worse for me is that when I give I give my all, imagine someone breaking this big heart of mine. Eish! I guess it starts with forgiving yourself first.
This article is speaking to me.I am having such a difficult time forgiving someone who lied and tore my heart into a million pieces,i think what makes it so hard is that i have forgiven him a thousand times before and in a way i blame myself for giving him the power to hurt me again.In the past i would wish him nothing but the best in life,but now i am so angry and hateful towards him.
I pray about it,i think i need to forgive myself first,but i cant do it for me or for him.Aaaaaaah,it is soo hard,i am taking it one day at a time,hopefully i will get to that point.
You and I both Jean... I had forgave someone who went on to do that same thing and then I left. It took awhile to forgive the person again esp now that I did not really believe when they apologised. For months I was hurt and it tore me apart. Praying helps and also having someone to guide you in prayer and just support you.
It took time but now I can say I have fully forgave the person. I can think about them and the situation without getting sad. Forgiving yourself helps and also do not blame yourself for giving the person another chance that he ruined once more. It does not mean you are a bad person.
Thank you so much PeloM,i am getting teary reading your response. I sometimes feel like being this angry,hateful and sad is what i deserve for allowing him back to hurt me over and over.When i think about the situation i cant even cry anymore,i am mad as hell.
I will pray about it and i am also learning how to meditate,some days are better than others,slowly one day at a time i will get there.Again thank you lots.
I feel you Jean...imagine an emotional and physical abuser in your life and you are still required to forgive that person...how? I always wondered. I haven't mastered the how part, but certainly working on my own feelings and forgiving myself.
For a long time I would only forgive you if you felt the pain I felt meaning I would revenge first than forgive that way we equal. But now, I cut you out of my life and move on and to me that's my way of forgiveness. I will greet and chit chat if I see you but don't expect a call or an invite for coffee. That's just me.
I can forgive but really struggle with forgetting. I also struggle to forgive someone that does not acknowledge their wrongdoing towards me. Own up!!! How do you just do someone wrong, and carry on as if you've done nothing? It really drives me mad. Forgiveness also depends on the magnitude of your wrongdoing. It's really difficult, especially if that person's wrongdoing has humiliated you. I think because I am quite proud, I struggle more when you embarrass or humiliate me. Yessus! It will take me years to bury the hatchet.
I'VE STRUGGLED WITH FORGIVING MYSELF IN MOST CASES BECAUSE I'D ALWAYS TAKE BLAME FOR EVERYTHING THAT GOES WRONG. I ALWAYS THOUGHT I AM THE PROBLEM.
I was once like that..taking the blame on everything that goes wrong. Until you come to realise that you are actually not the problem. I've heard of no one that has asked to be hurt or disappointed, so this means definitely it's not you!
Forgiveness without an apology is very hard, I am willing to forgive if we talk about it. And yes, forgiveness does not mean reconciliation; it means I am taking myself out of this and choose to live a hurt-free life.
I don't know, I find that my mind decides to forgive but I never truly feel free. So that means I haven't forgiven at all I just had the intention to forgive. So angazi.
It's a difficult one Thenjiwe....We're all not perfect, so yha!
For me when I think of how many times I have sinned and done wrong and how God has forgiven me through all of that, it really helps me forgive another person. It's not always easy but I hate feeling sad or dwelling on the negative things that people did to me. It's true that when you forgive, you do it for you and sometimes you need to love yourself so deeply to not want to see yourself hurting and giving that same person the power to hurt you even more. It is possible to forgive and it's the best thing you can do for yourself even when you did not receive that apology you know you deserve. And yes people will always be people and what is wrong and hurtful to me may not always be same to you.
Reading this really is difficult and brought back wounds that have not healed, I am finding hard to forgive. You do me wrong and don't acknowledge your fault I move on I don't tell you I just move on, I am currently not on speaking terms with a colleague who did me wrong and did not acknowledge her wrong doing it' been 5months now that we not on speaking terms and I don't see myself speaking to her.
I have lost friendships, relationships because I just can't forgive and forget, I may forgive but forgetting and going back to "our normal selves" is very difficult
I am battling my demon now where by my father walked out of our lives(parents divorced) and I grew up watching my mum struggling to raise me and my older brother's without any help from him, the same guy who last spoke to me 9 years ago even though he stays 10min from my house,the person who doesn't call on birthdays,who just passes me and is disgusted when he sees me and my bbrothers and mum. Where does one begin with forgiveness? Do I forgive? If I do why? Forgive what if he sees nothing wrong in what he did?
This forgiveness is hard very...
It's really hard Tee...I thought I was the only one " inhumane" because this forgiveness thing its my everyday struggle I tell you...in guess we will soldier on and try to be better people.
Forgiveness is something I really struggle with...
Forgiveness is something I also struggle with
Yah neh....
I suppose it also goes along with our expectations of others. I had a friend whom we haven't been on speaking terms for 4 years now. This is because I felt she wronged me and we both knew that was the end of our friendship. I decided to let go as none of us had said a word since the incident. I was on the "she's forgiven but I can no longer refer to her as my friend" tip. We met at a common friend's wedding about a month ago, I knew she would be at the wedding as the common friend (whom knew nothing about what had happened) mentioned. Before the wedding I kept on thinking on how I should react when I see her. She got there greeted everybody else, I pretended as if I didn't see her, she came up to me and gave me a hug and said "khawyeke u chuku".
We were all excited to see each other but the two of us were still holding onto some unresolved issues. I decided to walk up to her and asked what she meant by what she had said earlier. We started talking about what happened 4 years back and she apologised. When that happened, I felt at ease, few days later she suggested that we should hook up sometime. I didn't know how to respond and my response was "sure". I don't know if I'm still holding on to the past, but I don't think that forgiveness means reconciliation. Could it be that I'm pretending to be someone I'm not? Great article T.
Forgiveness is truly a difficult thing to do....I also had a friend that did me so wrong. I moved on from her & we haven't spoken in like 3 years now...not that I hate her or anything but we just can't be friends anymore. No genuine friend deceive a friend. My heart is easy with her, I don't have any grudge of any sort, ivevjust moved on from her. Thanks P
I struggle to forgive. I'm quick to walk away when sum1 has hurt me. Count my loses and try to move on.
Concept of forgiveness
I have always been a person who forgives, regardless what one has done. I have this believe if God is a forgiving God who am I to hold a grudge? or to not forgive?
I have learned not everyone is the same, and it really takes a lot for someone to forgive. That forgiveness is not only for the person who got hurt or betrayed, but it also affects the person who is asking for forgiveness. It goes both ways one could say they don't really matter because some of them don't deserve to be forgiven as some don't even show remorse about what they have done. But what about the ones that do?
They also struggle with forgiveness, not the one that they seek from the person that they had caused pain and betrayed but they struggle with forgiving themselves, knowing that what they did is a constant reminder of the pain they have caused. They struggle with acceptance, accepting the damaged that was done and accepting things they can not change.
With that said, this year I have learned that life is really hard and things happen and it takes a strong willed person to forgive, and not only forgive and not bring it later down the line as a red flag but to truly forgive and forget.
Thanks Mpho, you are on point!
I am faced with a challenge of forgiving my now former for cheating and disloyalty yet I have been too loyal and understanding over the past 5-6 years (through great and really bad times). It is a challenge because this person has shown no remorse for his wrong doing and that alone makes me so mad. I have had to learn the hard way but moving forward for my own sanity I am taking each day as it comes and trying my best to forgive this man.
Life is indeed too short therefore to free our souls, minds and spirits no matter how much a person has hurt nor wronged another forgiveness is key! Everyone deserves to be happy, life is a blessing that must be appreciated daily and it is no dress rehearsal, this is IT, we must just live!
The destroying thing is the fact that they show no remorse. How are you supposed to forgive and forget? But I guess we have to free our hearts and honestly forgive.
Forgiving is really hard, but i think forgiving yourself is the first step. I struggle also. I have tried looking in the mirror and saying sorry to myself numerous times. It disrupts your peace mind and is not good for your wellbeing as it eats you up inside. Slowly learning to detach myself from this. Maybe another way you can look at not forgiving is actually asking yourself: Why am i giving this person so much power over me? RELEEEEEEASE! And be RELIEVED. Pray and express your feelings! Just releae!!!@
I remember when he told me not to be paranoid whenever i asked about his ex girlfriend. He repeatedly told me that there is nothing going on between them and i believed him.
About a month ago, my now ex bf called and told me that his ex is pregnant. He always wanted a baby, he pressurized me into having one and i was not ready to. When i found out about it, the pain was excruciating but then again i ASKED him what were his plans and all he said was " you know i want a baby and you cannot give me one.. so i went to somebody who was willing to give me what i wanted. A baby is a blessing and i am going to do right by her " . I was broken and i asked myself how could someone who i have been with for 10 months do something like this. As much as i love him, it was time for me to walk away. I couldn't stay in that relationship, i chose to walk away.
After 3 weeks, he sent me this sms " See, since last year I've been struggling with the casanova life and wanted to put an end to it. So I fabricated a similar story to both of you. She knows that you're pregnant and you knew she was pregnant. In actual fact non of you is pregnant. It was then easy for me spot out the conditional love and the one appearing to be real & less conditional. Only today she will get to know that you're not pregnant. So yeah, I wish you the best of luck in life" . He was testing me, he wanted to see how much i loved him and Just because i chose to walk away, my love appeared to be conditional. How do i forgive him? How do i accept an apology i never got? How do i move on without thinking about it?
It is so easy easy for people to judge and point fingers at others and in that they find this easy to do as it "conveniently" excludes them from the equation. Seeing that he did all this testing to see if one's love was conditional or not . What are about the rest of the three fingers pointing at him - how is he better for for choosing to hurt your feelings and even betraying you by lying to both of you ? its saddening that he thinks this was fair on both of you. How is his love not conditional considering that he was the one who had his bread buttered on both sides?
Where does he get off even sharing this evil deed of lying to both of you in the name of wanting to see who loves him more ? because i refuse to believe this was about checking whose love was more genuine.
I say walk away . He is not worth it.
He needs to deal with himself , self esteem and insecurities.
Couldn't agree with you more!
Man can be cruel like why must he test both of you like that? Love is supposed to be easy and genuine. You've got to find a way and talk about it for closure so that you are able to move on.
i read these comments and i just get so emotional, my x boyfriend of almost two years cheated on me and got STI from the girl he was cheating with, when he found he had it, he told me he had caught a bacteria that has caused an infection, later went to the doctor and confirmed he had sti. i then went to the doctor and sorted myself out. his phone broke and told me i could have it since it was still new and it was too expensive for him to fix, i fixed the phone and when i switched it on, that's where i found the sms he had forgotten to erase. the girl was telling him that she did have her periods and the doctor said it was STI so he needs to go and get checked out. i fought with so hard i ended throwing him out of his place. he came back later that evening and woke to go to work left me a note that says he's sorry and he wants a chance to be a better boyfriend. i stopped talking to him, what pains me is we work together and he started bringing back my stuff that i had from his house. I'm so mad at him for putting my life at risk, and for being so careless. he is not showing any remorse its like nothing ever happened. i only forgive when someone acts like they are sorry. I've never hated someone this much. i want to forgive him and continue with my life, but i honestly don't know where to begin?
I'm sorry to hear about this. The sad part is part is for him not showing any remorse. I understand you anger, I would be angry too. I'm sure you'll find a perfect man that will take extra care for you and not risk your life. All the best my hun.
MY EX BOYFRIEND IS BACK AFTER 3 YEEARS OF BREAK-UP.
HE NOW SHOWER ME WITH SO MUCH LOVE AND GIFT,
HE SWORE NEVER TO BREAK-UP AGAIN..
NEVER TOO LATE TO FIX YOUR BROKEN RELATIONSHI/MARRIAGE.
YOU CAN STILL MAKE YOUR EX FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU AGAIN…