A couple of months ago, I was sitting with my girls and we were having one of those talks. Obviously about boys and how weird they are. 2 hours later, after much deliberation, we all came to an astounding conclusion. A WOMAN CAN HAVE A RELATIONSHIP IN HER HEAD ALL BY HERSELF! Yeah, that's right. ALONE. It's crazy right? Let me tell you a little story, a sad one if I may add.
I have this friend, and I love her to bits, but looking back now, I think that she is a little crazy, silently and calmly. She started working at a new place some years ago, and being the beautiful girl that she is, she was bound to attract a male specie or two, and she did. She met a guy- he was tall and not so handsome but he had dimples and an infectious smile, so I guess he was cute. I think he liked her, but in a strange way, (in the way that guy likes girl when guy's girlfriend works in the same building).
So anyway, my friend and this not-so-handsome-dimpled guy had a bit of chemistry (or not). He would smile at her, and talk to her briefly, call her once a month, and sometimes he would even visit her... pass by really, it wasn't really a visit now that I think about it. She was in love with this bloke, well according to her, they were in love with each other. They were two tortured souls yearning to be in the warm embrace of one another. Apparently. It was painful, we would stay up until the wee hours of the morning and she would tell me how in love they are and how agonizing it is that they couldn't be together.
This went on for a year. Until one day, (I’d had enough complaining) we were walking down the street to my flat, talking about him (as usual) and I asked her "what value is this guy adding to your life again?" When last did you guys go out for coffee, or a picnic or a movie or spend a boring Saturday together catching up on reruns of Will and Grace?" And it hit us! She had created the whole thing in her head. They had never gone out for coffee, or breakfast, or a picnic; he had never declared his undying love for her, he had only ever kissed her once or twice that year, he only called her once a month. So how in the world did she deduce that they were deeply in love and the only reason that they couldn't be together was because he was such a decent guy, he had to stay with his girlfriend out of loyalty?
For one full year, the whole thing was in her head. The only thing the guy had to do was... be alive to feature in her movie. To be honest, he had never done anything to make her believe that they were in a relationship, or that a relationship was in the cards for them in the near future. The guy just liked her, and she took the fantasy relationship to mars and back, all in her head, alone.
Hers is not an uncommon story among girls, so don't you sit there and judge her. Sometimes a girl really likes a guy and she has the whole relationship drawn up in her head long before it even starts, and all he has to do is incept one idea that it is possible, and she will take that idea and run with it. But on the flip side of things, guys do add marinade to the braai. When guy and girl are dating, he will say little leading things like "I want our daughter to have your eyes" or "I will buy you that Mini Cooper for your wedding gift" or "When we are married, you can have your own walk in closet".
This is dangerous talk, guy! DANGEROUS! He says all these things in jest, but in HER heads, he is saying "I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I can't wait to marry you". So it is not entirely our fault you know. It's the guy, feeding the monster that is THE IDEA.
Then one day, you break up with this man that you sincerely thought you were going to marry and the bricks that hold your head together fall apart.
It is not the relationship that is hard to let go of, it is letting go of the idea that you have invested so much time and thought building that is tricky to let go of. And when you go back and do an unemotional audit of your failed relationship, you realise that where it fell short, is where there were high and unrealistic expectations that you created, that were not met. Personally I blame all my ideas, fantasies and unrealistic expectations on Daniel Steel and Nicholas Sparks. But that is a topic for another day.
So in a nutshell what am I saying? Thou shall not fall victim to THE IDEA. Thou shall run as fast as possible when expectation knocks and thou shall not get ahead of oneself. Do not trust the castles you build in your head, they are very misleading. And on the flip side, guys, please stop feeding our monsters. Please.Just. Stop.
These are conversations I have with myself, I am just sharing them with you.
By Nontu
Jhu jhu jhu guyzini NJANI NA??!!! most times guys will string you along with the smallest acts of kindness and wena you think it's a relationship. Kanti no beyps, #WasteHerTime2016 vibes
LOL @ #Wastehertime2016# RUN AWAY!
The way I used to freak out when a guy opens my door and pull up my chair. My brain would scream HUSBAND HUSBAND HUSBAND!! Now I tell my brain to stop lying, this guy is just being nice... As he should be. Next!
the way I was so excited when a guy did this for me LOL, until my friend reminded me that "well you haven't given him any yet" Deflated.....LOL
I relate to the story...sometimes a guy will string you along...for what??? for nothing! "I want to have a daughter as cute as you"...you melt your heart out, you'd swear that day he asked for your hand in marriage...you jump up & down and tell everyone who cares to listen...Kodwa siyabhanxwa maan..LOL! I guess it comes with experience and maturity to realise the signals and run as fast as possible.
I'm enjoying this article, thank you Nontu!
In my older years, I'm learning to close my ears to empty words and open my eyes to meaningful actions. Ukukhula!
Had a crush on a colleague for over six months, he liked me but not as girlfriend lol, but no I was not having that, I was like I'm attractive why wouldn't he want me? he'd call once a month, pass-by when he happens to be in my area. One Sunday he called and said I should visit obviously I went to his house, in my mind I had this picture of us cooking, watching movies doing couple things nje lol but it didn't happen :(, we just had sex and that was it. I texted my lil sis and she told me straight that this guy was having one of those boring, horny Sundays. I was hurt but she was right. I created a castle in my head....
"I'm hot, why wouldn't he want me". I love that. Hazelnut, girl we've all been there and we only see how useless the guy was in hindsight
I think our biggest let down (women) is the inability to comprehend what's real and what isn't. We spend most of our lives creating these ideals in our heads, building sand castles and psychologically auditioning the nice guys for the part of the Prince. The moment a guy shows a little potential in acting out our Prince character, we lose sight of reality and we jump in the 'relationship' head first. I hear a lot of ladies say guys "string" us along, but we give them that power. The moment a guy says one thing, we've already heard ten thousand words in relation to what he just said. Quit that or you'll find yourself hurting over a guy who isn't even aware you were both in a serious relationship.
Sho I don't want to say that we have an inability to comprehend. But I think we can get too keen far too quickly. A friend of mine calls us "Ever Ready batteries" always ready to GO! NOW! I still haven't mastered my chill button I won't even front.
hahahahahaha....I have a friend that went thru this for almost two years. She would ensure she attends every event he went to just so that she can see him and hopefully have a 5min conversation with him. She would get such a high from it.
Yep... Had a similar conversation with my guy friend, was crying over a failed relationship... And he told be something similar to what you've just said "Its not the break up that hurts, but rather the unfulfilled ideas" But in my case, the "ideas"were justified ( I think) he was my boyfriend of nine years 🙁
Oh honey after 9 years, you can cry all the tears you need to cry. I don't imagine you built the castles on your own. Embrace your journey to healing.
The funny thing is that i'm going through this right now, he got tired of me & he just stopped calling. when i asked him, he just said "going through something". i spent nights crying but it clicked in my head,i dont even know where this guy works or where he stays. he always chowed me at my place. i realised i was actually
i realised that i was actually not in a relationship and at that moment i didnt see it coz i thought i was inlove. how naive & stupid though. im mad at myself coz i literally put myself out there for this guy, maybe i have self esteem issues or i was just dickmatised. i guess i will never know. but it hurts so bad
Oooohhh snap Moghel!! Boo you didn't know he worked? Girl you had it bad. Built!!! We live and learn. As long as we learn!
Great article lady, love the fact that you interact with your readers...
Thank you Hazelnut
Great article.
Oh goodness this is so me. This guy was nice to me while I was going through depression and since then, I've been thinking we are soulmates. That was 6 months ago..lol..as for the lines, never falling for the 'I want a daughter who looks just like you' line again. At least I'm not the first woman to fall for it 🙁
Eiiiiiisssshhhhh! This actually happens hey. But then you get f boys that purposes lead a woman on *yawn*. This is why I believe men should keep it ol' school and actually ask a woman if she would be his lady. Unfortunately from the endless debate that I've had, it seems some men don't feel the need to ask you to be their girlfriend because they think that it should be obvious from their actions but other men dont which is also the reason for this imaginary relationship situation. Eish. How do we actually deal with this
Like this is my daily battle in life! Guys don't SHELA anymore! The art of courtship is dead. Guys r happy to enjoy the benefits without the effort. And we happily play along. Its a mess out here.
Love this very interesting
Lmao *as I stop hoping for more from that random handsome stranger who bought me Lindt chocolate that he saw me yearn for but couldn't afford* he was being nice
I needed to read this article because i myself need to snap out of it.